Homecoming

Long-form accounts and analysis from the frontiers of subjective experience.

On December 30th, 2025, I consumed 4.5 grams of Golden Teacher psilocybin. My ADHD brain processes the compound differently than others - instead of flooding the visual cortex it routes straight to cognition, amplifying the already multi-threaded thought processes running in parallel. Zero visuals during the peak, just 10+ tracks of thought simultaneously unfolding. I ended up meditating through it, watching the elephant symbolism arrive: historical images, intimate close-ups, and one particular elephant face smiling, laughing. The laughter felt welcoming but also knowing - it recognized the performance aspect, the ego wanting to see, wanting to learn, the impossibility of self-exploration without ego entanglement. The elephant knew. Perhaps I was laughing at myself.

The real insights come in the afterglow and the days or weeks following, as they often do with psilocybin. That night as I fell asleep, still in the expanded state, the visual phenomena that sometimes appears during meditation arrived in abundance: portals, night skies with bright stars, and one image in particular - a vast landscape of frequency rows depicted as linear waves stretching into infinity toward the horizon. All frequencies accessible, all carrying resonance of something intelligent. Two days later, New Year’s Day, the first Jungian dream arrived.

Remembering dreams can be trained, if you spend even a little bit of time expanding your awareness in meditation and other altered states you’ll begin to have a phenomenal dream recall.

The Jungian Dream #1

First of all, it’s New Year’s Eve and I completely forgot about it. I got tired at my usual time 9 pm and was reminded of the Holiday by my Mother’s phone call. When I laid down for bed around 10:15 PM sparse fireworks were going off every 15 minutes or so. Nothing crazy like the 4th of July madness.

The dream which I remember rather vividly began in the office of the agency for which I work for. Dreaming about work used to bother me but over time I realized the setting was more of a clue than the premise.

The dream particularly focused on the part of the building I spend the most time in, including the front parking lot. Some things weren’t exactly the same, like most dreams these things are fluid. What’s interesting is that the way that the office looked and appeared reconfigured was exactly the same as previous dreams where this was the particular setting. Neat.

At some point in the dream there was an organized effort to attend a celebration. I didn’t really understand why other than management was very serious about it. New Year party maybe? That would make sense given the timing of this dream. I must stress that the outdoor conditions were of daytime, around this time of year but with lots of sunshine and clear skies. The parking lot and the ground in general was wet.

A decision was made that people would travel to the destination in group and at staggered times. When the first group was leaving I decided maybe it’d be best to just go with them. I noticed the folks committed to this first group making their way out of the building and into the front parking lot. I was distracted but made the effort to get out there.

Outside the front lobby I found lots of folks congregating, coming and going, etc. Right outside the front doors I noticed a familiar face, relaxed and full of vitality like this person always displays. I won’t call out the individual as they are no longer with the agency but remain a good friend of mine like a lot of folks who have come and gone over the years. What can I say, when you meet someone who adds to your life you don’t just forget that they exist just because you don’t see them on a weekly basis. This naturally slowed me down as we had a nice and boisterous chat like a couple old palls that we are. I excused myself as I had to run but reminded them we’d talk soon again.

I went out to the main parking lot and found it mostly empty, a little odd but that’s alright. In the distance I could see a yellow school bus on the other side of the fenced-in lot, another coworker who was near me said that the first group was boarding it. I felt like I still had time so I went for it.

As I approached a section of the fence that had a combination lock for the gate I became slightly perplexed. None of the numbers matched to what I was expecting to see. “How am I going to unlock this?” I thought, the combination that I know is impossible to enter with this lock. “Did they change the locks overnight?” I thought again. Then I simply tested the gate with my hand to see if it was unlocked already, it was. Furthermore, and to my surprise, as I opened the gate the fence began to fall over. On the other side of the gate I inspected the gate and found it to be most-definitely in disrepair and positioned by someone to only look like it wasn’t broken. How odd I thought initially.

I began to instinctively move toward the dilapidated fence and gate in disrepair, to prop it back up in good working order. After all, I’m the last one who touched it and look at it now. Right as I made a move toward it I immediately stopped and said, “No.”

All of this took time away from getting to the bus. I turned toward the direction where it was parked and I could still see it there, “They haven’t left yet.” I began briskly walking toward the bus. As I did this big vehicles appeared as if in unison either turning into my path or leaving it, clearly creating a moving obstacle of sorts.

I stood still and pondered how to proceed, or if it was even worth it. With that last thought I stood on the back of my heels and relaxed.

The dream ended.

The Jungian Dream #2

Right after an early morning meditation I went back to sleep. Still no altered states, I was tired so didn’t mind falling asleep for an hour or so. Same exact setting as the dream the other night, working at my agency’s office.

I noticed some folks kind of agitated and walking around briskly. I stopped one of them and asked what was going on, “Didn’t you hear? They’re moving them in today” was all that this coworker said. They? Who are “they”? Later on another more senior staff were fretting over how it’s such a bad idea to combine two agencies under one roof. Okay, so the situation is that some other agency is being moved into our building, got it. For the record I thought this was interesting, possibly exciting, no negative thoughts bubbled up when I heard the news finally.

Moving on I got busy with whatever I was working on and ended up going down a familiar hall, before long I feel someone kick at my backside. I turn around and I see a stranger with a familiar and smiling face. He was taller than average tall person, had short blonde hair, blue eyes, and incredibly symmetrical face (they were attractive). His clothes were basic “relaxed” office attire: some khaki chinos and a short-sleeved blue checkered dress shirt, it was a button-down and not a polo.

I have no idea who this person is, yet they look incredibly familiar, a friend-level familiarity. I ask him, “Who are you? Do we know each other?” making it obvious that I find the situation perplexing. “I’m from the new agency,” he replies with a smile. I smile back and ask, “Why’d you kick me?” He now smirks and looks a little confused himself, like I should have expected all of this (including the kick). I wave him off and say, “Alrighty then, I’ll catch you later.” as I walk into another office area.

In the office area I tell the staff there that the “others” have begun arriving and joking suggest to watch their butts, referring to the butt kick. At some point someone else mentioned that they’re now coming in big waves and a few of us go outside to watch this spectacle. Sure enough, lots of folks dressed in very stereotypical “government” employee attire, business casual and a little dated.

As I make my way back into the office building I decide to walk in with one of the arriving groups, start small talk and all that to welcome them in. I quickly realize that they’re not happy about this situation. I overhear some of them talk amongst one another about how, “It’s just not a good idea, can’t believe they’re making us do this.” Interesting. Also, who are “they” that are making anyone do anything?

Anyways, I do my best to make room for the arriving people and observe them while I’m at it. They’re definitely not like “us” at this office. At first it’s the clothes, just not the same even if it’s the same general kind of “business casual”. None of them except for the tall guy in the hallway, who looked incredibly familiar and yet foreign, made eye contact. That jumped out after a couple occurrences. A good chunk of them were what I’d call neurodivergent, high-functioning but definitely different from the average we’re used to around here. In any case most of them were clearly agitated and having a rough morning. None of that matter to me personally but I do catch a few of my agency’s folks look uneasy at them, giving me the side eye like “you seeing this?”

I do my best to calm folks down and point out that they’re the ones that have to move everything into here, they’re our guests at this moment, so it doesn’t matter who or what they are and how they act: be nice, helpful, and welcoming, it’s literally the only thing we can do.

The dream ended.

The Jungian Dream Analysis

Both “Jungian” dreams are intimately connected. I’ve analyzed them and feel very confident about my shadow integration post psilocybin trip. The dreams are about 24 hours apart which gave me time to sit with the first one and understand it before the second one came up. It actually took me another day after the analyzing the second one to realize that they’re actually not two separate dreams but rather one long dream broken up into two parts, or two phases that needed to be initiated and concluded on their own before merging.

Dream #1

The gate and fence are false. Someone stood up the illusion, they’re not maintaining it anymore, the code numbers are changed, fence is in disrepair, etc. The illusion fell apart as soon as I interacted with it because I was conscious in this dream. I shined the light of consciousness on the ego/unconscious/illusion and predictably it fell apart. I just didn’t realize that the gate and fence were a part of the illusion too. What I perceived as a barrier to entry is no longer so, what I thought was a container which is managed by guards to keep us in prison… is not true.

What actually caught my attention that the first group was leaving was noticing familiar folks leave the building. That’s intentional signaling, otherwise I wouldn’t have looked and made my way out to the parking lot. Outside I encountered someone who left the institutional setting but maintained authentic connection with me, someone “full of vitality” - a symbol of what exists beyond the walls.

The dream’s most potent moment came when the fence collapsed and I instinctively moved to prop it back up. That impulse to restore the false barrier, to maintain the comforting illusion of boundaries and order - that’s the ego’s automatic maintenance response. But I stopped mid-action and said “No.” That refusal to be complicit in maintaining false barriers even after they’ve collapsed under examination is the consciousness work itself.

The synchronized vehicles appearing as moving obstacles just as I approached the bus weren’t random chance - they appeared “as if in unison,” suggesting coordinated resistance from collective forces. But by then I was lucid enough to recognize the pattern. I stood on the back of my heels and relaxed. The dream showed me the entire process: initial unconscious compliance, delay through authentic connection, conscious examination of barriers, recognition of constructed obstacles, and finally surrender to not forcing participation.

The wet ground throughout represented renewal - not cathartic emotional purging but functional release of what’s no longer needed. Clean, efficient. The psilocybin journey had loosened something atrophied: anger tied to ego, or most of the ego architecture itself. The dream confirmed the release was complete.

Dream #2

Two agencies merging under one roof represents integration of previously separate psychic territories. The anxious resistance from both sides - “not a good idea,” “they’re making us do this” - reflects typical ego defense against integration work. But my response throughout was curiosity, excitement even, with zero negative reaction. I immediately positioned myself as mediator and welcomer, facilitating the merger rather than resisting it.

The tall blonde figure is me. The same glowing-gold boy I’ve seen in meditations and visions throughout the year - that neglected aspect I promised to rebuild and nurture. Here he appears fully grown: symmetrical, vital, attractive. His playful kick wasn’t hostile but attention-getting, establishing contact. His confusion at my question “Why’d you kick me?” revealed this as established relationship I wasn’t yet consciously recognizing. He expected me to understand because it’s the same consciousness, just different configuration across time and state boundaries.

The arriving people characterized as “neurodivergent, high-functioning but definitely different” - my subconscious was labeling previously compartmentalized aspects of self. They don’t make eye contact, are agitated, dressed slightly off. Shadow material, dissociated parts that haven’t been fully integrated into primary identity structure. The ADHD brain I’ve lived with my entire life but only recently fully acknowledged - those processing differences, those parallel thought tracks that psilocybin amplifies rather than visual cortex flooding.

The passive voice appears twice: “they’re making us do this,” “who are they?” In Jungian terms, the Self (capital S, organizing principle beyond ego) orchestrates integration work. Both agencies being directed by unseen authority suggests this merger wasn’t ego-driven but archetypal necessity. The broadcast choosing its moment, the signal reaching optimal strength for reception.

Dreams Integrated

The end of Dream 1 left us with the bus not having left me behind at all but rather it was I who chose to not pursue it. I decided to not go after my old goals. I watched people that I associate with those goals board the bus but in the end I didn’t even want to get on. Everything leading up to that moment was showing me that the path there is built on lies and illusion.

In the beginning of Dream 2 I find myself back in the building and throughout the dream assisting addition of a whole other agency moving into the same building. Out with the old and in with the new, or what has atrophied needed to be shed and reconfiguration of existing and good needed to be brought back up to the surface into my operating agency. I’m literally having both dreams in the building that the agency for which I work for owns… it’s like ridiculously obvious and on the nose.

The tall blonde fellow who kicked my butt. That’s me. It’s the same young boy with a glowing-gold face from the early meditations of last year. That’s who I was neglecting, who I pushed aside, the “I AM”. I made a promise to rebuild, grow, nurture that young boy. I manifested building him up into a strong and fearless man.

Here he was, coming home.

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Part of my continuing work on Percept Index, where I document and illustrate my experiences with lucidity, awareness, and perception.

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